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truth and other obscenities [16 Sep 2007|10:13pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

i want to spill myself all over you
 tear open my chest with doves flying out
    and wings breaking open like my head.

i want to find the secret combination
that will unlock this shit;
my hands are sweating
    and shaking squirming: around
my own murderously misguided mechanisms...
(gasping all the while) an earlobe, tugs
it's you my conscience --
my lovingly deceased former childloverstar
with all his prickly precocious self
          -- that never quite panned out,
and i want to give this ALL to you.

i want to transform myself
into something worth your fucking time;
i want to   prove     to you.    

that here
just under my skin
there's a pale illumination
that threatens to break
    like the fucking dawn
a daedal webbing, a tightly coiled string
of constellations or atoms or some shit;
like stars, baby, stars

and it weaves it's wizened way across
and in my body
    (you used to love)
like ants or an army, marching ever onwards
with the spark
of a thousand daylight remembrances,
and i want you to know this:

my skeleton is a stained glass subway map
to everything you ever swore you held divine
and i shed pints of your goddess' blood hourly
from these sore orbs you used to...
well, you know what you did.

don't you?

2 comments|post comment

genisis? or something more sinister? [12 Sep 2007|04:43pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

i want to tear this shit from off my face
i want to start over
can't i be free?
can't i change, can't can't i...

...i don't want to be alone.

it hurts, you know?

the way the fire creeps up the small of your back
it's up my spine
engulfing the lines
freeing me
it's eating my face
& melting my wings
i'm on fire
i'm on fire

& you, are nowhere near
to witness me.

to sign along the dotted line & validate
my inception ressurection revolution
bullshit, you know,
but i'm not good
at loving myself.

so really, it's an easy mark you've picked
you all know what hides beneath
my dirty scorched dress
& most of you've caught a glimpse

of what it was like
before the fire

& it's creeping up the small of my back,
it's up my spine
tongues lick my toes & feet
& stupidly thick ankles you loved,
it's eating my face
it's melting my wings
the light's so fucking bright
& i'm so fucking trite

but i'm on fire, you know.

you know.
you know.
you know.

(...set your friends on fire...she whispered...

& you believed her, didn't you? didn't you.)

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RIP [07 Sep 2007|01:43pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

madeline l'engle.  

not all of her stuff was as influential for me as her early stuff, but damn.

hope you're hanging out with gaudior somewhere, maddie.

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i am fabulous fencer, yay! [30 Apr 2007|12:38pm]
[ mood | calm ]

...is that a word?  fencer?  or is there some other word for that?  whatever.

now i'm going to be obnoxious & post a bunch of pics.  yep!

lookit me fencing! 

in the end, i won our duel...but i'm pretty sure he let me.  he said that i had a knack, though!  i really wanna take fencing now.

...& here's me, in all my finery.  my mother's spending SO MUCH MONEY on me, i feel kind of bad.

BUT the parasol ((which you can only kind of see...))  is made of reinforced canvas or something; which means THAT...i can use it in the rain!  as long as it's not, y'know, i a hurricane or something.  je'adore.

to sum:  so-cal's been fucking lovely, thus far.  though i miss you all dreadfully.

6 comments|post comment

cali ho! [23 Apr 2007|03:47pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]

SO tomorrow I set off for two solid weeks of deliciousness -- to my mommy's house in Costa Mesa!  Yay!

I feel like I need a change; so this just might be the catalyst to do it.

I'm also dreadfully ill & I hope it's not so bad tomorrow...I hate flying sick.


'cause if so...call me.  uh-huh.

1 comment|post comment

yum. [02 Apr 2007|03:55pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Which Imfamous criminal are you?

You are Elizabeth Bathory. (The bloodcountess) Legend tells us that you, this very rich, beautiful and high born woman tortured and murdered some 650 young women and bathed in their warm blood to keep yourself beautiful.In some stories, it is said you have drank thier blood as well. You were a sexual sadist on a grand scale.Ah vanity is your downfall. For shame!
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

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last night [04 Mar 2007|06:42pm]
[ mood | sick ]

i was deliriously fucked up!  i was also dressed as tori amos from the tales of a librarian collection -- except black instead of pink -- but i'm not sure if anyone would've gotten it if i hadn't told them.

i fell a lot towards the end.  NYLA-BON!  are you coming to the xmas bash next weekend?  i bet there'll be eggnog.  & other gross stuff.

& MUNGOJELLY i want to have a long conversation with you; so please email me, k?

5 comments|post comment

... [16 Feb 2007|01:04pm]
[ mood | indescribable ]

gathering this weekend...actually, tomorrow!  i have...so incredibly many feelings about everything.  this 'feeling' shit has gotten out of control. seriously.

i spend my days in blind worship of the absolutely arbitrary process wherein i see --anything at all -- & am suddenly struck by this evil cocktail of pain/beauty/pleasure/overwhelming fear; & all i can do is gasp & wait for the shuddering to cease.

everything's so fucking beautiful.  i can taste it.  

2 comments|post comment

prying this mother fucker's jaws open... [11 Feb 2007|11:29am]
[ mood | listless ]

...in an attempt to not be eaten.  words fail me lately...or maybe i've just wasted my quota for the year.

getting tired of running on empty.  everything i ever hope or plan for just gradually falls aways; until what am i left with?

me.  & she's never been great company.  hateful bitch...instead i claw the walls, a second fall.  it'll never be spring again.

god this is the bitterest winter.  anybody who knows of a place willing to take in two peoples, a kitty & her babies...should let me know.  just so that i can stop feeling like i'm on a fucking stairmaster; i just pretend to be going up for hours.  does that mean i'm excersising my sense of absolute doom?  'cause i can't go on like this much longer.

something's gotta give, right?  SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE.

2 comments|post comment

[08 Jan 2007|10:27am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

1.What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
had my own apartment; lived without an unspoken knowledge that me & mine could work it out together.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i never make resolutions; they kinda beg to be broken. but if i'm still in BR next year ((NONONONO)) then i'll resolve to fucking shoot myself or get the hell out of town.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
dunno how close we are but novelle did.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
RIP skitty-boo.  i love you forever widget kitty.

5. What countries did you visit?
*heavy sigh* just this one. unless innerspace counts!

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
the sense of self to do what i need to progress -- instead of trying be universal.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
oh man. jan 1, being one of the last true moments i ever got to spend with seth, just me & him. feb 14, 'cause josh 'n i melded...& dec 31; because i met the coolest cats in NO & tripped hard enough to maybe even like myself a little.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting over uppers.

9. What was your biggest failure?
they were all of the heart; & not mine -- so no sharing.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
OH YEAH.  so much...fucking numerous phsical & emotional complaints.  too numerous.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
didn't really buy much...mabe my corset.

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
me mum's.  way to be there for me!

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
perpetually my own -- & several individuals -- though i was more apalled than depressed.  josh' parents & quite a few of his so-called-friends; it made me incredibly INCREDIBLY sad to see him crushed by people who have never really been there for him & who probably never gave much of a rats ass.  depression kinda mutated into anger for awhile -- GRR! I'M PROTECTIVE! -- & then settled back into amused indifference. & OH YEAH -- WHAT THE FUCK GAVIN?

14. Where did most of your money go?
food, drugs, staying alive.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
new year's!  & the NIN show; 'cause josh & i were entirely infinite.  & everytime i got to see remnants of a former life; ie my parents & seth & all those cats.  m screenplay; which i'm sill working on furiously.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
after hours, velvet underground.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you; happi
unfair quesion -- i was estatic this time last year.  but maybe i'm more content overall?

ii. thinner or fatter?

iii. richer or poorer?
much much poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
learning  french, chinese & arabic.   painting with sarah.  actually talking to seth instead of the passive-agressive meetings that always ended way too physically.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
hating myself.  questioning the twists & turns.  being vulnerable to the wrong people.

20. How will you be spending Christmas? 
wih josh's folks.  did it.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006? 
hmm.  yeah.   

22. How many one-night stands? 

23. What was your favourite TV program?
fuck tv.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? 
hate's a waste of time.  i've only ever hated one person.

25. What was the best book you read?
a tie beween 'venus in furs' & 'vurt'.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
dresden dolls.

27. What did you want and get?
jeez.  a lot of shit.

28. What did you want and not get?
a few perfect moments.

29. What was your favourite film of this year?
i guess scanne darkly...though i didn't get to see quite a few that i wanted to...

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
ate acid & watched a meteor shower in the field...later that day i ate sushi with me mum & josh.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? 
my kitty still being here. :(

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006? 

33. What kept you sane? 
nada; i'm off my fucking rocker.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
FGM; ritual rape in sudan, roe vs. wade disappearing, the list COULD go on; but i don't really want to have a panic attack right now.

36. Who did you miss?
too many to name.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
i think beau!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
create more, talk less.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I think this place is full of spies
I think they're onto me
Didn't anybody, didn't anybody tell you
Didn't anybody tell you how to gracefully disappear in a room
I know you put in the hours to keep me in sunglasses, I know

And so and now I'm sorry I missed you
I had a secret meeting in the basement of my brain
It went the dull and wicked ordinary way
It went the dull and wicked ordinary way
And now I'm sorry I missed you
I had a secret meeting in the basement of my brain

I think this place is full of spies
I think I'm ruined
Didn't anybody, didn't anybody tell you
Didn't anybody tell you, this river's full of lost sharks
I know you put in the hours to keep me in sunglasses, I know

And so and now I'm sorry I missed you
I had a secret meeting in the basement of my brain
It went the dull and wicked ordinary way
It went the dull and wicked ordinary way

And now I'm sorry I missed you
I had a secret meeting in the basement of my brain
And now I'm sorry I missed you
I had a secret meeting in the basement of my brain

4 comments|post comment

russian playgrounds totally pwn us [10 Dec 2006|02:04pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

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yesssss [01 Dec 2006|04:25pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]


they played 12+ of my favorite songs...& it was only $8...& sara(h) came! which was nice, & we all got waaaaaaaaaaay too inebriated! & we were 5 ft away! & & & I HUGGED MR. JOE PERNICE!!!!!!


4 comments|post comment

mother.sushi. bday.seth.acid. yes. [23 Nov 2006|12:08pm]

10 comments|post comment

[15 Nov 2006|12:40am]
[ mood | rejuvenated ]

i dub me soubriquet.

7 comments|post comment

oh you silly birdies [08 Nov 2006|01:33pm]
[ mood | bored ]

sheets? sheets, not hits? this whole tangled web just gets more ridiculous the more people i talk to.

& where did the money come from for that much, anyway? & if we had obtained said sheets, would we really be fucking homeless in BR? methinks not; but then again, practical problem solving skills seem to be woefully devoid in the brains of some. ah, well.

& it all goes round & round & round

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[01 Nov 2006|03:31pm]

usually, if you think i'm talking about you, & i don't mention a name, you're entirely wrong. most of the things type about are largely facitious; or else rooted in fact i enjoy mocking.

so try not to get offended ever, k?
2 comments|post comment

no more comfortadors [31 Oct 2006|10:01am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

jesus fucking christ, why does every carlotta ever make me feel 16 all over again? so seth showed; & josh was crazy, & it was all very very traumatic...& i really did miss seth, that's annoying, & then i got yelled at by both of them for seeing the other. wtf? i mean, what the FUCK? don't either of the fuckers trust me?

i guess they shouldn't.

oh oh oh, & hey: so apparently, we ((josh & i)), we steal ashtrays. yep, & other things of semi-sentimental value. yep. oh we looove the thieving. love it.

i'm pretty glad that no one who's opinion of me i actually give a shit about is quite as neurotically paranoid as some others i could mention...all of it leaves me feeling like a BAD CRAB. i mean c'mon! high school was AGES ago, so can we all drop our psuedo-social hierarchies & get the fuck on with it? or at least denigrate people to their faces, instead of this petty backstage bullshit?


2 comments|post comment

[12 Oct 2006|09:47pm]
[ mood | numb ]

it just gets harder & lonelier every day.

3 comments|post comment

the hunted [08 Sep 2006|02:57pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

me & my ghosts sleep just fine now.
we sleep just fine.

don't need any worrying
over me and my time,
i've got these ghosts
& we sleep fine.

daddy daddy, am i the apple in your eye?
some funny man told me,
"the world's an apple, you're
the only eye",
but his were hungry,
so i knew he lied.

but me & my ghosts, we sleep just fine,
and all your pocket-watches,
telling tales are just comfort by & by,
'cause me and my ghosts,
we sleep just fine.

they know what it is,
being a dream for the poor
passerby --
a body like a naked chain's
no good when jackals
with sweet smiles wanna
get you high,

but i've got these ghosts
to talk me through living
like it's a way to die;
yeah, see-through ladies
with huge empty eyes,

so you don't have to worry,
the ghosts and i sleep fine.
now i know i'll never die,
just fade, like all the other
pretty girls turned lies,
'til then i'll sleep just fine.
 the ghosts bide
their time;
i sleep just fine.

2 comments|post comment

is THAT the brass ring, mommy? [05 Sep 2006|12:01pm]
[ mood | cold ]

god people, what's up with the fucking misery?  lately all i see is people making the same mistakes they scoffed at...it's harder when it's you, isn't it?  strange how the wheel is so fucking inevitable; & it's hard not to be cynical when the latest crisis is old hat; i guess i've fucked up enough that i have a veritable ocean of ill experience to pull from when reading all this shit; but damn.  damn.  being precocious then makes me feel old now.

8 comments|post comment

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